ok, girl, this is getting a little old

seriously. i mean, honestly. who is letting this child walk around with her face painted like this? i mean, ha ha, taylor, it was cute at first, yeah yeah you are all goth like and punk rock, very funny. now you are just scaring me. this needs to stop.

i will admit to going through my own "goth" phase when i was about your age, and i wore gray lipstick and didn't wear anything that didn't have holes in it and i acted all tormented and all that crap, but i wasn't fooling anyone. and looking back at the pictures of me in that phase now...god, all i can think is WHAT WAS I THINKING??? why did i feel the need to be so miserable? i read somewhere that taylor blames her parents for making her work from such a young age, and that's why she's so unhappy and dark, but i do not buy that for one second. you want to rebel against mommy and daddy? FINE. just find a way to do it that doesn't make you look like roadkill. this is so above and beyond awful that i can't even bring myself to continue posting photos of her as examples of what not to do. just don't do this. ever. and until taylor goes back to being her cute pretty self, this is the last time i will even mention her name. you hear that, taylor momsen? you are DEAD TO ME!

Taylor Momsen: Pick Up the Phone, Girl...We Need to Talk!

Taylor. Precious little Taylor. I need to have a word with you. That word is "NO." I think it's cute you wanted to dress like a raccoon for Halloween, but sweetie pie, that is about 6 months away and unless you are on your way to an audition to be the angel of death in some crazy new vampire movie, allow me to repeat myself: NO. NO. NO. And may I add: THIS IS NOT OK.

Remember how cute you were in the Grinch movie? With your sweet innocent little face and all?? ME NEITHER. Please, Taylor, please, I IMPLORE you, stop doing this to yourself. THIS DOES NOT LOOK SEXY. It's not attractive or pretty or going to lure any hot rich men in your direction. You look like a 38 year old chain smoking tramp who got beat up by her boyfriend for not remembering to buy his favorite cereal at the Stop-n-Shop. I do not care if you are a rock star, or some fashion forward celebrity that everyone fawns over. YOU LOOK TERRIBLE. I mean, thanks for sticking with the "heavy eyes/nude lips" rule, but...your eyes are SO HEAVY, you'd pretty much have to remove the lips off your face to balance that look out. And maybe even your nose, too.

You want my advice? Good. I'm giving it to you, anyway. Fire your makeup artist and quit trying to act like such a punk. You were Cindy Lou Who for the love of Pete!! And you are so much prettier than this mess that you are calling your face right now. You do know you are a teenager, right? You are therefore allowed to wear a little pink blush and Bonnie Bell lipsmackers, just like I did when I was your age. Of course, when I was your age, I wasn't on the cover of Teen Vogue, but that is still no reason for leaving the house looking this way. HEED MY WORDS!!!

Everyone Else is Doing It!

Oh it is time. I am just about to regale you with a tale from my "good old days" in college. Are you ready? Just wait. You will be telling your own stories just like this one day. I promise.

My first dorm in college was all-girls. After spending 5 years at an all-girls private school, I was less than thrilled about this. But it was a good experience and I made some good friends and I even managed to study once in a while. HOWEVER. What I remember most about this dorm is a poster that hung in the lobby, right next to the elevators. The poster (which I found online and posted above) was a wrinkled and gnarled looking woman, smoking a cigarette, and below her was the phrase, "Smoking is very glamorous." I passed that poster every day and I remember thinking, EW, I will never end up looking like that. Because I won't lie, I did smoke in college, and I don't like to admit it now, but my boyfriend smoked, a lot of my friends smoked, and so, in an effort to be all cool and college-like, I smoked, too. I quit a long time ago but I still worry that one day I'll end up looking like the lady in the poster.

Smoking, like sun exposure, is one of those things that has long-term affects that, since you don't see right away, you rarely think about. EVERYONE knows that you shouldn't smoke because of the risks of lung cancer. But not all of us think about what smoking will eventually do to your skin. When you are 12, 13, 14, I know it's practically impossible to think 20, 30, or 40 years down the road... but as much of a downer as it is to say, you won't be young forever (well, maybe in your heart you will be), so take good care of yourself and your skin now and the older version of you will thank you for it.

All joking aside, smoking is the single worst thing you can do for your skin (besides run around on the equator without sunscreen on). Keep that in mind when you and/or your friends start getting curious about cigarettes. Just take a look at my lady friend and remember that smoking is very glamorous.

What's Wrong With This Picture??

Ok, there are so many bad ideas going on here, I really don't know where to start. First bad idea is hanging out with Lindsay Lohan. That girl is a good influence on NO ONE. Second bad idea is Taylor Momsen yet again looking like a homeless vampire. These are people we should look up to? I think not. Lighten up, ladies...you're young and rich!! Stop acting (and dressing) like you are 35 and making minimum wage!

Taylor, look into eye makeup remover. Lindsay...look into your natural hair color. Please and thank you.

Um...yeah

I know this whole "rocker chick" look is hot right now, and I can certainly appreciate that because I will not lie, I used to wear dark eye makeup back in my own teen years. I just wish someone (other than my mom) had told me how to wear it without looking like I just hadn't washed any of my makeup off in about a week. Taylor Momsen actually is in a rock band, so she KIND OF has an excuse for this raccoon eye look, but unless you are about to step on stage, this is really a little too much drama around the eyes - and in all honesty, it makes you look more like you haven't slept in a while than a rock star when you load it on like this. So. Let's talk about how to fix it. For starters, I would do away with the under eye shadow - it's a really heavy liner for her, and because she is so blonde and so fair-skinned, she really just ends up looking like a set of eyes and nothing else. If I could take a cotton pad loaded up with makeup remover to the bottom of her eyes, I would. Instant improvement. I would also probably tell her that gossip girl is my favorite show ever (which is a big fat lie, I've never even seen it) just so she would smile and wipe that ridiculous pouty look off her face. If you insist, a light line could be applied to the lower water line (which is that sort of ridge just above your lower lashes that butts right up against your eyeball - so that means be careful with that sharp pencil you're about to stick in your eye), and take it to about the center of your eye. But the heavy ring of shadow under her eyes? Not needed. She's a cute girl, and I feel like she's using her makeup to hide her eyes, rather than show off how pretty they are. And since her bangs are so heavy, I really can't even see what's going on on her eyelids, but something tells me we could tone that down, too. Dark shadows are great for creating sultry evening looks, but in this case, there IS too much of a good thing. Anyway, she's what, like 16 years old? She has plenty of time to be sultry after she is of a legal age! But believe me, I used to do the same thing, heavy heavy eyes and very light everything else. Lighten the eye makeup and add a touch of color to the cheeks and on the lips, and we'd be in business. I'm not sure what kind of business, but one that would at least require wearing heels to work, for sure.

Do NOT try this at home

I promise I don't have anything against Miley Cyrus. I really don't. I think she is a beautiful girl and I envy her purse collection, but sometimes she just makes me want to throw my hands up in frustration because why, WHY would such a pretty, young person feel the need to put so much makeup on? Does the photo on the left look like a person who is not even 20 years old to you? If I looked at this picture and just had to take a guess as to this person's age, I would say, 33, 35 maybe. This is what I mean by too much. Obviously, the face she's making is not really what I would call "appropriate," but that's beside the point. The point is, this look is not age appropriate. She's made herself look a lot older than she actually is, and not in a good way. Dark eye makeup doesn't always equal sexy, so think about it before you start piling it on. For the most part, darker shadow colors should be applied to the outside corner of your eyes, with lighter shades in the inner corners and on the majority of the lid. When you put dark colors on your lids, it tends to make the eyes look smaller and less open, which is probably not the look you're going for.

It IS within the realm of possibility to look beautiful while also looking your age. Just don't use Miley here as an example.